||[Aug. 14th, 2014|06:48 pm]
I've wanted to write an honest entry for a long time since these days I've been very private and recluse. I'm normally an open book and speak freely, however the last few weeks I've been fighting my little battles. So today I wanted to express myself and talk about depression.
I have depression and find some days a real struggle. For so long I have suffered in silence without going through appropriate channels to find support. I honestly hate the whole stigma around depression and how people judge you like you're some mental case about to go on a killing spree and drown kittens or something. "Oh don't speak to her, she's a weirdo." I wish people realise and understand that like a cold, flu, cancer etc, depression is a disease, an illness. Politically correct term 'mental illness'. Like how Baron Von Grumble put it "it's like hay-fever, but instead of crying from the hay, you just feel so shit you cannot cry. You feel so numb." Haha, or in my case, you cry all the time from the pain of feeling so numb.
For as long as I can remember I always felt like an outsider, and different. And the truth is I am different. With my chemically imbalanced brain, I think and feel differently to everyone else.
And you know, I get it.. this is not a "woe is me" entry. I'm not trying to gain sympathy from anyone who may stumble across my journal. I know my life must look pretty damn good from the outside since I moved to England, being able to afford living on my own while travel to some amazing countries, I am physically well and able, I can afford to clothe and feed myself, I go out all the time. Yes those are great things and I'm not ungrateful, but the truth is, depression is like a haze that clouds your mind and rips all the goodness from your life leaving you to feel empty. Sure things must look great but sadly it isn't. It affects my relationships, overall health, happiness, and time I will never get back. I know I am fortunate, I know everyone has problems... I know I could be living in a third world country in the poorest of conditions, starving and dying from disease; believe me I've witness this with my own eyes while travelling. But what I am trying to explain is that - Yes, life is hard and unfair sometimes for everybody but with depression it's just THAT much harder. The simplest of tasks seem impossible.
Depression isn't "oh my boyfriend dumped me, so I feel sad". Depression is "I feel sad" when things are normal. Feelings of isolation, anxiety, lost hope, no motivation, lonely, sad all the time. Most cases it's either triggered or for no apparent reason. It's something I would never wish on anybody. Will it ever go away? Nope, so this is something I have to accept.
I have to remind myself to take each day at a time and pro-actively work on myself. I am looking at getting support through the NHS and making the effort with family and friends. Those with depression shouldn't hide in the shadows and suffer in silence any more. Speak out! Living with depression doesn't make you a bad or weak person. There's other people out there who is fighting this every day too. Find support, live each day to the fullest, and remember you are loved - even if you don't see it through this haze, they are there.
[EDIT] Found this honest and inspiring video: